October 24, 2014

Dear ... You

I have much to say to you. I hurt you. I know this because I've lived with the consequences ever since. Who is the you, that this directed to? "You" is a variety of people, some in blogland and some in my daily life.

You have hurt me as well.

You told me to "pull up my big girl panties" and get on with it. I laughed at that (thank you), and the first thought was it was better than letting the big girl panties drop to the knees.

One thing I sincerely wish for you is that you do not make the mistakes I did and then face the world to apologize. Do you know how humiliating that is? It would have been easy to vanish, but you begged me not to. It can be worked out, you said. Have faith in your friends, you soothed. I faced the world because I truly believe that when we make mistakes, minor or major, we need to apologize, try to make amends and take the consequences. This is always something that I have done. One of those consequences was $3200.00, an amount I was not asked for, but freely offered, even though it broke me financially over the summer. I did these things because they were the right things to do. Because in wronging you, I owed you the amends.

I've tried to give you what you wanted, what you said you needed. You wanted space, time away from me without reminders, to call you, don't call you, give you answers. Sometimes the messages were so mixed up. You promised you wouldn't turn away, but you have. You called me pathetic, sick, out for attention and dismissed me. What is worse, now you say that I don't exist, not worthy of being acknowledged. That I ... am ... not ... worthy ... of ... being ... acknowledged. We called each other "friend".  If the tables were turned and you were me, how would you feel hearing that?

"Darling," my mother would say, "remember that sticks and stones can break your bones, but words can never hurt you." You were wrong, Mom.

I don't understand the motive behind cc'ing me on an email thread between a few of you. What would be gained by having me see that you have a vicious side? I don't know how to deal with the hateful you. I never knew you to be hateful. I sat in a stunned stupor for a moment because I didn't recognize that part of you. I miss the you that was my friend. Why make it possible for me to see that you have thrown everything I've given you, as gifts, away. Some of which I spent a lot of time making just for you, by hand. I'm going to leave one that be. Too much hurt there.

I have nothing to say on the issue of the stolen/returned computer. I know that you stole from me, that you sat there and smiled while the group went through a cabin search, while rooms and cars were searched. While I stood in front of you and cried. I didn't publicly accuse any one of you. Not a single one of you. But you accused me. Publicly. I sent an email. I haven't received a response and likely won't. The label of "conspirator" would be funny, if it wasn't sad. It's sad because there is pain involved.  I've let mine go, but you haven't. You let it keep you from your children and husband and blamed that on me. Accused me of conspiring to set you up.  I spent a lot of time and energy that weekend helping you with your issues. I've never conspired to set up someone to be hurt... and to do it deliberately.


I told you recently that HIMSELF has left. I can't bare to say his name at the moment. He promised me forever. If you had shared that with me, the very next thing I would have done was to pick up a phone and call you. If I couldn't do that, I would reach out to you some other way, and ask how you were doing. You know that I would have done that... because I have done it. What did you give me? Nothing. Silence. Do you have any idea how that hurt me? It wouldn't have taken much to give... something... anything. Perhaps the thing that hurt the most here is that you were gone while this happened. I couldn't turn to you to talk about it. I haven't felt your loss more than in those moments.

I've tried to keep the darkness away. We had a relative who gave into her own darkness and ended her life. The pain that left her family, us included, was horrific. I vowed to myself that as long as my parents lived, that HIMSELF was with me, I would never put them through that. No parent should ever outlive a child. My parents are gone and himself has left. It would be so easy to lay down and let it come, but I'm stubborn and stronger than it ever will be. I will not let it win.

I do not want to live in darkness. I have made an appointment and I am pulling up the blinds, opening the drapes. And walking out into the sunlight. It might take me a long time to feel the sun's rays and appreciate the clouds (even shaped like a penis), but it will happen.

I cannot control what you do, only my own actions and reactions. For me, this ends right now.

I forgive you. I forgive you for the hurtful words, especially recently, whether acknowledged here or held privately, for saying that you know a real friend and that was never me. I forgive you for not being willing or able to forgive me for hurting you. I forgive you for being caught up in your own hurt that you abandoned me and turned your back away. I forgive myself for starting all of this hurt at those I never wanted to hurt in the first place. I forgive the one that stole from me.

And because I have the suspicion that even now, you'll still have your back turned and be silent, I forgive that as well. Maybe you can't do anything else right now.

I forgive, for you, but also for me. I do not currently have the mental health to spend any more time feeling like the biggest piece of shit to float down the river. To regret and feel the loss. Apologies have been given, the door is open. Whether you come to the other side of the portal is up to you.

In the meantime, I don't have much left in me. I'm going to write what I want, read Outlander blogs and gush at Sam Heughan playing Jamie Fraser. And know that I have done everything I can, but that I have been hurt as well.

Above all, I am going to know that I exist.

P.S I'm not suggesting that you move on. I'm saying that I am moving on.

October 23, 2014

No Title

So much pain. I've caused so much pain. I feel it too. All I feel these days is pain. I tried to make it right but it wasn't enough. I hoped that the time apart would help and that maybe there was a chance. But its now obvious that there isn't. There's been an agreement to pretend I don't exist anymore. I give up now.

Every day its been too much. I've pretended that it was alright, but I'm tired of pretending.

I should have listened that the timing wasn't right to come back. You told me but I thought there was a chance.

You tell me privately that I'm brave but I'm a coward. I've tried for so long to keep the dark away but it is suffocating me.  I can't breathe.




I thought Redbootywoman was done in before, but I held out hope.

That hope is done and now so is Redbootywoman.

October 20, 2014

She is Gone and I Miss Her

My Mom passed away almost 7 months ago and lately her loss has been overshadowed by other issues. Two weeks ago it was Thanksgiving and the holiday was always a time to gather as a large group, where anyone was welcome. My Mom's sayings were "there is always room in the pot for one more potato" or "we can always find an extra plate".  Without my Mom to ground us, we all went our own ways and didn't spend the actual holiday together. It wasn't until this last weekend that we had Thanksgiving together. 

There was laughter and several conversations competing with each other at the table, until one of the children said something about "Grandma" and then silence fell.  It took effort from the adults to regain the lively atmosphere, awkward for a moment or two afterwards, but it did return eventually. We are a close family, but we are grieving at different paces and talking about her with each other is difficult.

I looked around the room and was grateful for those present, as well as grateful that I had a close relationship with both parents, but particularly my Mom.

I miss her. For four years, I looked after her as the disease ravaged her body. Her spirit was always strong, but she was tired. She said so to me a few days before she left.

I'm not there yet. Some day, maybe.  I was looking at old pictures and found a copy of a poem I read at her funeral. It goes,
You fed me well, you made me strong
You taught me to know right from wrong
You made me feel that I belong
You showed me the value of a song
You gave me life, you gave me love
You always knew the way I feel
You used the words you thought might heal
You convinced me it was no big deal
Your advice would keep it real
You gave me life, you gave me love
Broken hearts you liked to mend
It was not in your nature to offend
Birthday cards you'd always send
You knew the value of family and friends
You give me life, you give me love
You left me now, you've gone away
I'm left behind, I have to stay
So I'll just have to pray
I’ll meet you again another day
You always had that ‘special touch’
I loved you so very, very much
You gave me life, you gave me love
Please watch over me from above.
It is said that the first year is the hardest and I know that to be true. We're looking at the first Christmas without my Mom and I can't face it. For the first time in my life, I'm dreading Christmas. I miss her every single day.

And the ones that I would turn to talk about this, are gone.

October 15, 2014

It Started in 1991

I have a confession to make here.

This started on or about June of 1991.  You see, on that date, a woman from Arizona, USA, did something that had an impact on my life in many way.

She wrote a book... and called it THE OUTLANDER.  I was hooked. So much that I read every other book in the Jamie and Claire Fraser. I heard the whispers that the series would be made into a movie or a TV series, but over the years, nothing much happened.

Until August 2014. Along with millions, I watched, recorded, watched again, re-read the book along with each episode, watched interviews with the cast on YouTube, read articles and reviews, started a board on Pinterest for Outlander and filled it with fan-art drawings (there are some amazing ones out there on the 'net), added the cast to my Twitter account so I could follow along with their LIVE Q&As and even had a reply from Sam Heughan and giggled like a schoolgirl! Then it came to an inglorious end... just like that.

Now, I have to wait until April 5, 2015 for the next 8 episodes of the first book!

Oh Lord, I have it bad. Outlander Withdrawal.

So please forgive me but...

April 5, 2015. The episode when Jamie spanks Claire for disobeying him and putting herself and others in danger. Bloody April of NEXT YEAR!!

When I heard that news...

Some might say... "What's the big deal?"

But alas, I am not alone. There is a support group found under #OutlanderWithdrawal where others like me can gather and soothe ourselves.

In the meantime, here is a fun picture...

I will cope with my Outlander Withdrawal for now. But I am looking forward to April!

October 10, 2014

Spanked in the Shower

He pulled the shower door open and stepped inside.  She pushed the hair from her eyes and stepped back from the water to look at him.  He had been thinking of this moment as he drove home.  He was happy to see her, frustrated with her, and ready to get this moment started.

He leaned in close for a kiss and wrapped one arm around her back, drawing her body up tight to his and said, “I’m going to spank you.”  Her intake of breath was loud between the two of them. 

The water fell on his back, stinging slightly with its heat.  The glass doors of the stall fogged with steam.  Turning her around, he guided each of her hands to the tiled wall, grasped her hips to pull her bottom into position, and nudged her feet apart.

Without any preliminaries, he drew his arm back and let his hand land on her bottom cheek.  He alternated smacks between her cheeks and aimed a few smacks for the back of her thighs.  Her back arched, her feet drummed the bottom of the shower, but she managed to stay in position.  The sting of the smacks was intensified by the water on her skin, until her distress became audible.  The sound of skin smacking skin met with cries of dismay but was muted to the outside by the water from the shower.

After a few minutes, her bottom had bloomed into a dark pink colour.  He helped her stand up, pulled her close for a kiss.  Her breathing was ragged, as she leaned into his body.  He reached behind her with both hands and grasped her bottom.  She looked up at him and smiled.

Taking her hands in his again, he leaned her against the glass door and the dance began.
*Based on a true story? Hmmm...

October 07, 2014

The Nipple

Nipples are one thing that all humans have in common. We've all got them chilling out on our chests, but how much do we really know about them? What are they capable of? How do they tick?
Here's what most people generally know:
  • Nipples produce milk, which comes in handy for breastfeeding.
  • Nipples bring some extra excitement to the bedroom.
  • Women's nipples tend to be more sensitive than men's.
1. Did you know that it's possible for a woman to achieve orgasm solely through nipple play? It's true! This doesn't happen for every woman, but certain women can have genital orgasms that are caused by intense nipple stimulation.

Feel free to test this one out, ladies!


2. Statistically, one in 18 people is born with a third nipple. One in 18! Any day on the street, you could pick out a group of 18 people, and chances are that one of them is blessed (or cursed) with one or more extra nips. 

These nipples rarely serve a purpose; they are simply remnants of the multiple nipples that usually disappear from a baby before birth. Keep that thought in mind the next time you see a crowd!

3. Men can breastfeed. Though it isn't common by any means, male lactation has happened more often in recent years as a result of hormonal treatments for prostate cancer.

What is really interesting, though, is that both men and women can actually lactate from excessive massaging and sucking on the nipples over an extended period of time. Who knew?

4. There are 4 types of nipples: Average nipples stick out a few millimeters from the areola and come out more when aroused. Flat nipples protrude only from temperature changes or when stimulated. Puffy nipples have a raised areola, and the last type is inverted nipples, which are turned inward.

5. Whales have nipples that differ quite a bit from human nipples, and even those of other animals. Because their young aren't able to perform the suction motion necessary to retrieve milk from an underwater nipple, a whale's teat is built to be operated by the mother.
When the baby whale attaches to his or her mother's nipple, she then ejects milk into its mouth. Pretty cool, eh?

6. For those not in the know, wooden peg legs and iron hooks are not the only prostheses available on the market. For those who desire to augment their nipples, there are a wide variety of options available.

But nipple prostheses were created for a far nobler cause than pirate fashion: the emotional and psychological relief of breast cancer patients. (When I first saw this picture, I thought it was some kind of breakfast food - a new spin on the fried egg perhaps.)

7. Don't like the way your nipples look but not in the market for a set of prosthetics.


Thankfully, the Japanese have created a line of nipple make up.  Users can choose among a variety of colours to suit their specific preferences or even their mood. You can have a new nipple colour every day if you want, just like facial makeup. Need I say more?
8. Finally, even the Guinness World Records has a place for the Nipple. Introducing the "Great Nippulini" Check out this video!
All I have to say about this is that it is important to have goals in life and something to strive to achieve!
That concludes this post on the nipple. I hope you have learned something interesting that will increase your appreciation of this body part!