October 20, 2014

She is Gone and I Miss Her

My Mom passed away almost 7 months ago and lately her loss has been overshadowed by other issues. Two weeks ago it was Thanksgiving and the holiday was always a time to gather as a large group, where anyone was welcome. My Mom's sayings were "there is always room in the pot for one more potato" or "we can always find an extra plate".  Without my Mom to ground us, we all went our own ways and didn't spend the actual holiday together. It wasn't until this last weekend that we had Thanksgiving together. 

There was laughter and several conversations competing with each other at the table, until one of the children said something about "Grandma" and then silence fell.  It took effort from the adults to regain the lively atmosphere, awkward for a moment or two afterwards, but it did return eventually. We are a close family, but we are grieving at different paces and talking about her with each other is difficult.

I looked around the room and was grateful for those present, as well as grateful that I had a close relationship with both parents, but particularly my Mom.

I miss her. For four years, I looked after her as the disease ravaged her body. Her spirit was always strong, but she was tired. She said so to me a few days before she left.

I'm not there yet. Some day, maybe.  I was looking at old pictures and found a copy of a poem I read at her funeral. It goes,
You fed me well, you made me strong
You taught me to know right from wrong
You made me feel that I belong
You showed me the value of a song
You gave me life, you gave me love
You always knew the way I feel
You used the words you thought might heal
You convinced me it was no big deal
Your advice would keep it real
You gave me life, you gave me love
Broken hearts you liked to mend
It was not in your nature to offend
Birthday cards you'd always send
You knew the value of family and friends
You give me life, you give me love
You left me now, you've gone away
I'm left behind, I have to stay
So I'll just have to pray
I’ll meet you again another day
You always had that ‘special touch’
I loved you so very, very much
You gave me life, you gave me love
Please watch over me from above.
It is said that the first year is the hardest and I know that to be true. We're looking at the first Christmas without my Mom and I can't face it. For the first time in my life, I'm dreading Christmas. I miss her every single day.

And the ones that I would turn to talk about this, are gone.

October 15, 2014

Forgive Me

I have a confession to make here.

This started on or about June of 1991.  You see, on that date, a woman from Arizona, USA, did something that had an impact on my life in many way.

She wrote a book... and called it THE OUTLANDER.  I was hooked. So much that I read every other book in the Jamie and Claire Fraser. I heard the whispers that the series would be made into a movie or a TV series, but over the years, nothing much happened.

Until August 2014. Along with millions, I watched, recorded, watched again, re-read the book along with each episode, watched interviews with the cast on YouTube, read articles and reviews, started a board on Pinterest for Outlander and filled it with fan-art drawings (there are some amazing ones out there on the 'net), added the cast to my Twitter account so I could follow along with their LIVE Q&As and even had a reply from Sam Heughan and giggled like a schoolgirl! Then it came to an inglorious end... just like that.

Now, I have to wait until April 5, 2015 for the next 8 episodes of the first book!

Oh Lord, I have it bad. Outlander Withdrawal.

So please forgive me but...

April 5, 2015. The episode when Jamie spanks Claire for disobeying him and putting herself and others in danger. Bloody April of NEXT YEAR!!

When I heard that news...

Some might say... "What's the big deal?"

But alas, I am not alone. There is a support group found under #OutlanderWithdrawal where others like me can gather and soothe ourselves.

In the meantime, here is a fun picture...

I will cope with my Outlander Withdrawal for now. But I am looking forward to April!

October 10, 2014

Spanked in the Shower

He pulled the shower door open and stepped inside.  She pushed the hair from her eyes and stepped back from the water to look at him.  He had been thinking of this moment as he drove home.  He was happy to see her, frustrated with her, and ready to get this moment started.

He leaned in close for a kiss and wrapped one arm around her back, drawing her body up tight to his and said, “I’m going to spank you.”  Her intake of breath was loud between the two of them. 

The water fell on his back, stinging slightly with its heat.  The glass doors of the stall fogged with steam.  Turning her around, he guided each of her hands to the tiled wall, grasped her hips to pull her bottom into position, and nudged her feet apart.

Without any preliminaries, he drew his arm back and let his hand land on her bottom cheek.  He alternated smacks between her cheeks and aimed a few smacks for the back of her thighs.  Her back arched, her feet drummed the bottom of the shower, but she managed to stay in position.  The sting of the smacks was intensified by the water on her skin, until her distress became audible.  The sound of skin smacking skin met with cries of dismay but was muted to the outside by the water from the shower.

After a few minutes, her bottom had bloomed into a dark pink colour.  He helped her stand up, pulled her close for a kiss.  Her breathing was ragged, as she leaned into his body.  He reached behind her with both hands and grasped her bottom.  She looked up at him and smiled.

Taking her hands in his again, he leaned her against the glass door and the dance began.
*Based on a true story? Hmmm...

October 07, 2014

The Nipple

Nipples are one thing that all humans have in common. We've all got them chilling out on our chests, but how much do we really know about them? What are they capable of? How do they tick?
Here's what most people generally know:
  • Nipples produce milk, which comes in handy for breastfeeding.
  • Nipples bring some extra excitement to the bedroom.
  • Women's nipples tend to be more sensitive than men's.
1. Did you know that it's possible for a woman to achieve orgasm solely through nipple play? It's true! This doesn't happen for every woman, but certain women can have genital orgasms that are caused by intense nipple stimulation.

Feel free to test this one out, ladies!


2. Statistically, one in 18 people is born with a third nipple. One in 18! Any day on the street, you could pick out a group of 18 people, and chances are that one of them is blessed (or cursed) with one or more extra nips. 

These nipples rarely serve a purpose; they are simply remnants of the multiple nipples that usually disappear from a baby before birth. Keep that thought in mind the next time you see a crowd!

3. Men can breastfeed. Though it isn't common by any means, male lactation has happened more often in recent years as a result of hormonal treatments for prostate cancer.

What is really interesting, though, is that both men and women can actually lactate from excessive massaging and sucking on the nipples over an extended period of time. Who knew?

4. There are 4 types of nipples: Average nipples stick out a few millimeters from the areola and come out more when aroused. Flat nipples protrude only from temperature changes or when stimulated. Puffy nipples have a raised areola, and the last type is inverted nipples, which are turned inward.

5. Whales have nipples that differ quite a bit from human nipples, and even those of other animals. Because their young aren't able to perform the suction motion necessary to retrieve milk from an underwater nipple, a whale's teat is built to be operated by the mother.
When the baby whale attaches to his or her mother's nipple, she then ejects milk into its mouth. Pretty cool, eh?

6. For those not in the know, wooden peg legs and iron hooks are not the only prostheses available on the market. For those who desire to augment their nipples, there are a wide variety of options available.

But nipple prostheses were created for a far nobler cause than pirate fashion: the emotional and psychological relief of breast cancer patients. (When I first saw this picture, I thought it was some kind of breakfast food - a new spin on the fried egg perhaps.)

7. Don't like the way your nipples look but not in the market for a set of prosthetics.


Thankfully, the Japanese have created a line of nipple make up.  Users can choose among a variety of colours to suit their specific preferences or even their mood. You can have a new nipple colour every day if you want, just like facial makeup. Need I say more?
8. Finally, even the Guinness World Records has a place for the Nipple. Introducing the "Great Nippulini" Check out this video!
All I have to say about this is that it is important to have goals in life and something to strive to achieve!
That concludes this post on the nipple. I hope you have learned something interesting that will increase your appreciation of this body part!

October 06, 2014

The Truth

Almost three years ago, I started this blog, and while the stories shared here were based on the truth, there were some that weren't. To be totally honest, the "some that weren't" were based on lies.  I posted about this in July 2014 in a confession, prior to closing my blog, which included heartfelt and sincere apologies to the blogging community and specifically my close friends that were hurt as a result.

To the best of my ability, this post is designed to provide the truth. This is about the real me.

Let's start with the children. Each of the seven children is real and in my life in different ways. The five boys (groups of three and two twin brothers) are the adopted sons of friends of mine. The older three I see very regularly, the twins not as frequently. Fiona, is the daughter of Jim's sister-in-law and deceased brother and Emily is the daughter of my best friend. Every story told about these "rowdy ones" is true. The lie was that the children were mine. Who was mine was Jackson and he is in heaven with God, as are the lost pregnancies.

Emily was sick and hospitalized with a life threatening illness. A DNR was discussed and it was traumatic. The entire experience was physically and emotionally exhausting, frightening, sad and all consuming. She recovered, thank God, and is doing fine now.

I'll come back to the children later in this post.

I stopped working and looked after both of my parents through their terminal illnesses. Both have since passed away. I did shave my head bald for ALS research, which was covered by a local TV station. At the time, it aired on TV but wasn't showing up online. When we found the link online, my Mom didn't like how disabled and medicated she looked and asked me not to share it with anyone. I honoured her request and didn't share it. All fundraising, done on behalf of ALS Canada, was done via a link to their website. I did not receive any money personally, nor did I or my mother or other family members receive any direct benefit from the funds raised. If you made a donation, for which I am very grateful, you know this to be true.

Finally, Jim and domestic discipline. The lie was that Jim and I were married. The truth is that he and I have been in a relationship for 25 years minus a few years when we were with others (during which we maintained a close friendship). We just passed that marker in September. Domestic discipline has been part of our relationship since the beginning. Every story about him, from how we met, to the challenges we faced, the good times and the bad, the DD component was true. His family practices DD and yes, I did see his mother (although not my mother-in-law in legal terms) receive a spanking. I wish I hadn't walked in on the spanking though... lol.

Jim maintained his own profile and all men's chats, general board comments and email correspondence were from him. When I started the blog, Jim knew about it, but didn't know the extent of what was shared. Prior to shutting my blog down, I told him about it as well as some other things and he spent a few days reading every single blog post and comment. All three hundred posts and several thousand comments. He had wanted to comment on Clint's original blog and so created a profile. His comments on that blog as well as other blogs were his own. The lie was that the comments and posts made by Jim's profile on my original blog were not made by him, but by me. I could say that comments were based on his true words or what he would have said, but that doesn't excuse that they were made in his name, without his knowledge.

I'm not excusing my behaviour. I have always tried to accept responsibility for my actions and the effects they have had on others, and as such I have accepted the consequences for those actions. That is part of living a DD life. Screw up, pay the pooch, wipe the slate clean and move on. If only it were that simple this time.

I have deeply craved children of my own my entire life. I can't remember a time when I didn't want to be a mother. At one point, seeing parents with children would make me angry and so sad that I couldn't look at them. It's only been in the last several years that I've been able to even hold a baby. I'm not sure that anyone but another woman can understand how deep that yearning can be, especially when your womb has been full but you don't have any children in your life. I kept it a secret and from Jim and others in my life. I have been involved in these children's lives from the beginning and have loved them as if they were my own. Somewhere the craving got mixed up with these children and what started as a story (married with children) became out of control. If you tell a lie often enough, you can start to believe it is true. That's what happened in a nutshell.

As hindsight is perfect, I can wish that I had possessed the courage to trust in friendships enough to tell the truth. But I was a coward. I kept telling myself that there is time to fix it... later, later. Driving down to meet these friends, I panicked a few times as the time came close. But I told myself, there is time to fix it later. Somehow. What's worse is that I kept the lies going when we were face to face. I can't ever change that fact and am deeply ashamed of it all. There is nothing that can remove the guilt I have felt about this for the last few months. I am deeply sorry for the pain each of them has gone though in this experience. More sorry than I can say. I have apologized publicly and privately and can only hope that they will, in their own time, find forgiveness and give me a second chance to do it the right way. Just as I have apologized publicly and do so again, with all sincerity, to each of you in the blogging community.

In deciding to come back to my blog, I debated whether to keep this one or start a new one, and even to creating a nom-de-plume. I felt that if I was going to say that from this moment onwards, the truth will be shared, that it would be dishonest to hide behind any other blog or name. How could I show true contrition if I took that action?

When this all came out in July, I stayed silent and let the community share their feelings in posts and comments and didn't interfere. Everyone had their say and this post is now mine. I have to move on from this and not dwell on all of this. I've managed to do that by keeping very busy. I've moved, been involved in renovations and selling properties.

I have to believe that basically, in my heart and soul, that I am a good person and I have much to offer the community and as a friend. I have to do that for myself, for my own sanity. I've paid for this with the obvious consequence of spanking. Severe spankings. Plural with an "s". I've paid in other ways as well, which are now in the past, and now its time to go forward in a positive and truthful manner.

This is me. Raw, laid bare and vulnerable, deeply sorry and ashamed but committed to truth and moving forward. Outside of blogland, I am blessed to have a close family and many good friends.

If there is something I haven't answered or you would like to know, please ask me.

Thank you for listening.

October 03, 2014

Come Back

I've done a lot of thinking in the last few months and ultimately have decided to return to my blog. I like blogging. It gives me an outlet for the emotions and events that occur in my life. So, here I am. I am me. I have made some serious mistakes and have paid the consequences in a major way.

Since there has been acknowledgement and apologies, is there room for reconciliation and second chances?

You're welcome to email me at redbootywoman2014@gmail.com. I'll listen to your anger, bear your hurt and try to make it better, but as a friend reminded me after the explosion a few months ago, I don't deserve abuse.

Thank you! :-D

July 13, 2014

Final Word

It's been a very difficult week, for me as well as for those close to me and everyone else. I've decided to close my blog. Thank you for everything.